I Wrote to Save Myself

Hello World!

In keeping with the 'introductory vibe', let me tell you about my writing journey.

I vividly remember when I was in basic school (kindergarten) and we started to learn the ABCs and how to write them. That's when we had to use three lines to practice our letter writing. I remember sitting and staring at a blank page in my notebook and I wanted to write. That blank page was pulling me towards it and I yearned to write even though I didn't know how to write or even put my thoughts and feelings in a complete sentence. 

As soon as I learnt to read, I couldn't take my nose out of books. As I've gotten older, I realised that this was my way of escapism as a kid but I was so caught up in the stories and adventures of the many characters. I also had a vivid imagination which makes reading better because it's almost like I'm in the story. Reading took me to places and introduced me to many people. But reading played a huge part in advancing my vocabulary as a child and most importantly, fostered my yearning to write. I was always eager to complete assignments where I had to write a story while outside of class time, I loved to come up with story ideas and scenarios. I never completed a story, if I started any, it would end up unfinished. But, I was very prolific in poetry.

When I started writing poetry, I remember constantly writing them in 4th to 5th form (grades 10-11). Writing poetry was my way of coping. As a child, I was going through so much at home and within myself and I never had anyone to talk to about anything that I was going through. I realised I wrote when my emotions may have been overwhelming. Once I put my feelings on paper, it felt like a weight came off my shoulders. This kind of habit continued up to around my second year of college. Since then, I've hardly written poetry of any kind. 

Whenever I look back at my poems, I see the pain I had to bear. I always wondered how I was so strong. I held myself together so much but I was depressed and writing poetry was my way of coping. If I didn't have any means of coping, all the stress and hurt would most definitely have taken a toll on me. One day when I was looking back, I thought that the high school version of me needed some form of recognition so I decided to compile these poems and name the book: "I Wrote to Save Myself". Because that's what I did.

I wanted to give this part of me meaningful recognition so I recently entered a local poetry competition. I wasn't shortlisted and in my own words: I lost. Upon deeper reflection, I entered to see if I was good enough. If I was a good enough writer; a good enough poet. Someone in the writing world would like my poems and if I got this recognition, I would be worthy to become a poet. I was looking for validation and it blew up in my face. I didn't get it. I was hurt and a bit embarrassed. I thought I was so bad at it that I wasn't even a part of the few that made it out of the shadows. But, deep in my gut, that yearning lingered and overpowered those self-deprecating thoughts that were brewing. At the end of all this, I STILL want to write. I can't NOT write. It's just who I am, validation or not...

Lael