The Complexities of Loving my Body

Hello World!

I'm a fine woman. But I also have body dysmorphic thoughts. 

I'm getting older and my body is changing but mentally, I'm still a teenager and for a while I've been in denial. I keep thinking I'm still a medium but when I get the clothes I ordered, I wonder...should I have sized up? It fits..but it could have fit better. Then I tell myself that I'll lose the weight so it's okay, it'll fit better when I do. 

I look at women whose bodies are bigger than mine and I'm in love. I love all their handles, curves, and muffin tops so why can't I love mine? This baffles me because I look at myself and love everything I see in the mirror but still feel... disgusted sometimes. I say things to myself that no one should ever hear in their lifetime and I hear me say it to me and it makes me sad because, why do you hate me, me? But I don't. So whose voice is this?? I want to get it out of my head but I don't know how because I have to come out of my house and those voices haunt me on my good days.... 

I'm a fine woman. This means I should expect to be sexually harassed.

Just me being in my body and I'm sexualized. I can't walk on the road without a bra because some guy is going to point at my nipples and take it as an invitation to openly sexualize me and talk sex to me. There was an instance where I was assaulted and a day or so after, a guy pointed and I flinched. My flinching supposedly warranted a defensive exclamation that he never touched me. I've been touched inappropriately many times before and only one time is enough to flinch and cringe at your sexual objectification, innuendos and advances. I was triggerrrred!!! 

I'm a fine woman. This means I am obligated to get married and have kids.

Too many people believe that because I am born a woman I should be a man's servant. Because I am born a woman, it is my duty to bear children. As a young girl, these expectations are placed on you when you are taught to cook and clean to take care of your future household, when you are expected to be the one to bring out the food to guests and in most instances, serve the older males first and when you are told how much they can't wait for you to marry and have kids. There is nothing that I hate more than being told what to do. I have my own vision and expectations for my life. I don't see myself getting married and having children is still a difficult decision to wrap my head around. But in my quest to live my life my way, I feel discouraged by society because if my goals are not what they set for me then it's not worth my time...

I'm a fine woman, expect my body to be full of anger. Expect my thoughts, feelings and emotions to be complex. Just like the environment you created... 

What struggles do you face as a fine woman?