A Missed Connection

 Hello World!

I'm going through a period of maturity and growth in my life right now. I'm feeling a lot of big feelings that I wish I could swallow or ignore. But this sort of pain demands to be felt. The anxiety in my stomach and the fear in my chest seems to never leave. They just grow and grow until I am full and threaten to spill over out of my eyes. Most times I don't know why I feel this way while sometimes I can make sense of some of my feelings. Today was one of those days. 

I was seeing someone last year and we both agreed to stop exploring our connection because we both wanted different things in our lives. I had to respect myself and turn away even though I liked our relationship. Anyway, this post is not about that person or our....ship. I saw something that instigated this feeling that they were seeing someone else. I felt a bit of panic, a lot of hurt and so much jealousy! Just on my assumption alone! What's crazy is, I didn't understand why I was feeling this way. I haaatedd this feeling that I was feeling because I didn't want a relationship with this person, but these feelings are feelings that someone would have if they did!

At first, I thought it was my ego- I just want people to like me and nobody else. Even if there is no reason for them to pursue me anymore. It's normal to feel this way. But I know that acting on this kind of feeling is unhealthy, so this reason did not sit well with me. I took a shower and my train of thought led to a real cathartic revelation: It was my people-pleasing tendencies! It was my people-pleasing tendencies and anxious attachment style. And guess where I learnt this behaviour? From a foundational relationship with a parent :) 

During my childhood, I had to please this parent for my life to be pleasant. I believed that if I didn't please them, then they were not happy and they wouldn't like me. I don't like their behavior but I had no choice but to make them like me because it makes my life better.

So! When people carry on with their lives and choose other people, I get anxious. I get anxious because, in my head, they don't like me. And so I try to reel them in and assess how they respond to me so that I can say, okay they like me and they're not upset with me or giving me the cold shoulder; they're not leaving me or abandoning me. As soon as I figured this out, I started to feel less anxious because I could tell myself that it was okay. They don't hate me and of course, they're not abandoning me. I can also tell myself that they don't have to like me. It is okay for them to move on with their lives. 

This realization instantly helped me to start healing this childhood wound so I could feel more emotionally safe and secure.

Despite my need for a deeper meaning, I think I might just miss this connection and I'm scared I won't be able to experience one like that again. But I was reminded that some connections come along to remind us that we are alive and there are great things to experience out there. We don’t always have to act on every feeling or want, especially if it ruins something that we have, and have worked so hard for. Sometimes present satisfaction = future regret.

Have you struggled with any of these issues? Let me know in the comments if you have any advice or if this post helped you in any way.

Lael